Helping parents define boundaries and be OK with saying no

By Angela Kennedy

As the holiday gift-giving season approaches, some parents find it hard to resist getting everything on their child's wish list. Armed with a double latte in one hand and a newly paid off charge card in the other, they will forge through numerous malls and toy stores marking off video games, dolls and action figures, one by one. But one counselor teaches that, despite the best of intentions, many parents are actually overindulging their children while ignoring their real needs.

Connie Dawson, co-author of How Much Is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children — From Toddlers to Teens, is an American Counseling Association member on a mission. Her goal: To help families know when to say when. She is passionate about spreading the message that overindulgence isn't just about "spoiling" kids but a serious form of neglect in which parents shield their children from taking part in developmental tasks and learning necessary life lessons.

Dawson and her co-authors, Jean Illsley Clarke and David J. Bredehoft, define overindulgence as:

• Giving children too much of what looks good, too soon and too long
• Giving them things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age, interests or talents
• Giving things to children that meet the adult's need, not the child's need
• Giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more children in a way that appears to be meeting the children's needs but does not. The result is that children experience scarcity in the midst of plenty
• Doing or having so much of something that it does active harm to or at least stagnates a person and deprives that person of achieving his or her full potential

Overindulging's harmful and long-term effects

There are three ways in which parents can overindulge their children:

1. Material/Too much — Simply giving them too much and not teaching them the meaning of having enough. Example: material items, activities, clothes or distractions.

2. Relational/Overnurture — Not expecting them to take responsibility for themselves or their environment. Having the parent (or others) do things for the child that the child is developmentally able to do for himself or herself. Example: carrying a child into preschool, not assigning household chores.

3. Soft structure — Not enforcing rules and boundaries. Giving children too much freedom or allowing them to dominate the family. Not expecting children to learn life and responsibility skills. Example: not enforcing curfews, not adhering to set punishments.

"The implicit message that the child gets is that they can't do this or they have to have other people to do things for them," Dawson said. "And they grow up and develop skills to manipulate others to do things for them." If children don't learn the difference between not enough/scarcity and enough/abundance, she said, they may continue to acquire things in a desperate attempt to satisfy themselves as adults. "Parents do this with the best intent," Dawson said. "They want their child to be happy, to be successful and to be competent, but they don't realize that they are actually hindering the child's development."

According to Dawson, overindulging children has several harmful and potentially long-term effects. Children may face problems associated with:

• Learning how to delay gratification
• Giving up being the constant center of attention
• Becoming competent in everyday skills, self-care skills and relational skills
• Developing a sense of personal identity
• Knowing what is enough

"Overindulged children grow up missing skills," Dawson said. "They don't know how to do things because they were never expected to do them. They learn a certain kind of helplessness and they don't feel confident. They may act like they are confident, but they don't really feel that way inside about their own competence." When these children grow up and become parents, she said, they don't feel as if they are entitled to know what is best for their own child. They feel that the child controls their life and are afraid to go against the child's wishes.

Test of four

The authors of How Much Is Enough? developed a simple test to help parents determine if an action is overindulgent. "We wanted to give people a tool to help them decide if something they were going to do for a child was overindulgent or not," Dawson said. Parents should ask themselves four questions, she said, and if the answer is "yes" to any of them, then the action is likely a form of overindulgence.

1. Does the situation hinder the child from learning the tasks that support his/her development and learning at this age?

2. Does the situation require a disproportionate amount of family resources (financial, emotional, space, time, energy, attention)?

3. Does this situation exist to benefit the adult more than the child?

4. Is the situation potentially harmful to others, society or the planet in some way?

"No. 3 is the most telling one, because most of us as parents want to give our children everything. It makes us feel better," she said. "It can be for any number of reasons — maybe we didn't get so much when we were kids, so we want our kids to have more than we had." Other illustrations are the soccer mom stereotype or martyr syndrome, she said, where the parents' lives revolve around giving and doing for the children in an effort to make themselves look better or like more devoted parents. Dawson used the example of a child forgetting his lunch at home and the mother rushing to school with it and seeing the smile on his face. On the surface she looks like a loving mother, but the child is likely to forget his lunch again because he never learns that his actions have consequences. "It's very hard for someone who perceives herself to be a ‘good mom' to look at that lunch sack on the counter all day," Dawson said. "But it's those kinds of life lessons they need to learn on their own. Overindulgence is when the mom or dad relieves the child of struggles. Whether we like it or not, our life lessons are learned through struggles."

Unspoiling and deprogramming

For parents who have overindulged their children but want to change their family's habits, Dawson suggested first sitting down with all the children and apologizing. "Say to them that you, as parents, didn't understand how this was negatively affecting them and may make them feel less strong or less confident in the long run," she said. Parents should also collaborate and decide what they are going to do instead, Dawson said, defining what is enough for their family and then talking to the children about these new "traditions" or "values." She strongly recommended that parents don't overcompensate and try to "go cold turkey" by insisting that children get only one holiday gift this year. "You can take small steps and begin the transition away from chronically overindulging, overfunctioning or overbuying," she said.

Instead of overindulging, the authors encourage parents:

• To teach their children self-care skills
• To assign household chores
• To take charge of the rules — don't let the child run the family
• To give children only enough to enhance them
• Not to overfunction by doing things for the children that the children are developmentally able to do for themselves

"We are encouraged to spend, spend and spend," Dawson said. "We've got to have the latest thing. The advertisers create needs. Many of us have lost the ability to distinguish between a want and a need. To parent in this way, as in to do what's appropriate for their child's development, is counterculture parenting. There isn't a parent on the planet that doesn't hear this and say that they don't mean to be hurting their child or contributing to him not growing up strong, but it's the difference between intent and impact. In our materialistic, consumerism-driven society, adults can become very confused. At the bottom of all of this is that adults need to decide where it is they stand and clearly define their own values."

Dawson said counselors can play an important role by helping parents define what is enough for their families and by showing them how to replace misguided nurturing with assertive and supportive care.

Curbing overindulgence during the holidays

Here are some suggestions for helping families to avoid overindulging during the holiday season. These tips were submitted by readers to Jean Illsley Clarke, Connie Dawson and David J. Bredehoft, the authors How Much Is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children. The complete list can be found at www.overindulgence.info/Curbing_Holiday_overindulgence.htm.

• Talk about "enough" and take opportunities to point out to the children when you have had "enough." For instance, "This food is so delicious and I've had enough. I'm glad there'll be leftovers for later" or "I might want everything in my collection, but right now, it's enough to enjoy this one new addition." Let "Is that enough?" be a common question in the household.
• Have your children make gifts for each other.
• Gift wrap your children's favorite books (ones that you already own) and open one each day as a family. It's a great way to make sure the whole family is spending time together during the craziness of the holidays, and kids see that a gift does not have to be something just purchased but also can be the treasures within the house.
• Instead of making lists of things each family member wants, make lists of things you want to do together as a family during the holiday season. Each person "gets" at least three or four things on his/her list; e.g., old movie night, a Monopoly marathon or skiing. This helps instill family traditions and emphasizes that what is of most value is time spent together.
• Have the family bake cookies and bring them to a local shelter.
• Parents should lead by example. Make a special effort to model acts of kindness — shoveling a neighbor's walk, inviting a single person to a holiday dinner or offering the mail carrier a cup of hot chocolate.
• As a family, clean out the closets and donate toys, clothing, etc., to charity. For extended family members, instead of drawing names and giving a gift, donate to a charity in the name of a family member.
• Give each child a budget to follow for the gifts he or she will purchase for others.
• Request that grandparents and others put money into an education fund instead of buying toys. Ideally, education funds can be used to cover sports, music, theatre, other lessons and summer camps that can broaden the horizons of children but often drain family budgets.
• The best way of avoiding the holiday "gimmees" is to help the child become a giver, not just a taker. Recognize that some small indulgences cannot be avoided and it is OK for children to have fun with the special moments.